Update
Been a while since an update. I’m not very good about this… mostly it’s because I convince myself that the goings-on in my head are uneventful. But that’s not the case. I’m picking up my acoustic guitar again, and rediscovering my love for the raw, dynamic control of the instrument. I’m re-teaching Chris and John my songs… I’ve got a hell of a rhythm section.
I’m still not sure in which direction my songwriting is going. A lot of self-doubt.. it’s pretty toxic, and takes an insane amount of effort to ignore.
Tonight is our CD Release Show.
I’m very impressed with our speedy progress. We’re still a baby band, trying to be adults. Our CD is not at our potential, but nonetheless, it’s still excellent… especially for such a time crunch. We’re a baby band. It’s okay. None of us have done any of this before. We’ve all been gigging musicians for years, but have never stepped to the level of a commercial release and actual manufactured merchandise. So yeah, we’re young, we’re new, and constantly learning. And hopefully, there is a long, long way to go.
Ten Years Ago
Initially… It doesn’t make sense to me how long ago ten years ago really is. When I think about it in depth, it makes perfect sense. A lot of crap has happened in ten years. Where I am now, musically and as a person, is a perfectly “imperfect” evolution. When I say “ten years ago”, I’m speaking about a section in time… not a year, or a date… just an atmosphere… a mindset.
When I left high school in ’02, I had almost no fond memories of it, and I wanted as little to do with those experiences as possible. It wasn’t significant to me whatsoever. My peers seemed to feel differently. But I was rigid in my teenage angst.
Now I look back, and I’m flooded with emotions from these particular moments in time. Little fragments pop in and out… small details, nothing noteworthy… but definitely memorable. Nothing that even makes sense in words. It’s not simply the events that took place, it’s the wave of empathy I continuously feel towards my 16-year-old self. My experience in high school was neither extremely positive or negative… it just was. It was hard stuffing such an idealistic mind, combined with angsty adolescence, in a body my size and in an environment like mine. But, I suppose it’s like that for most everybody.
Writing new music
I hardly ever write new material, and it bugs the crap outta me. I tend to think I have nothing to actually write about, when in fact, I do. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to materialize these things into words and music.
I usually like a bit of help… maybe just an influence of a few phrases… concepts… atmospheres… just something to kick-start the process. It usually happens that way. There are resources all around me, and I will start to tap into them.
I’ve been working non-stop for the past two days, recording Descendants of Erdrick’s debut album. We are under serious time constraints, so we will more than likely not be able to include all of the songs we wanted. My trackings are done — with the exception of little scale-runs that I need to clean up. It’s sounding good. A little rushed, but good. I like being busy.
I have very overwhelming feelings of empathy. Over the course of time I’ve learned to channel them into more constructive ways, but I can’t always help the fact that I feel for people. It’s not just the understanding of the emotion, it’s the entire presence of the situation. I can somehow experience it along with them. I have a dull, yet foreboding feeling right now with those who are close to me. There’s something that just doesn’t seem right. And I empathize; I don’t want for anybody to be hurt. But I cannot do a thing. I don’t think. I don’t know. I’m just afraid that there is potential pain and destruction within my close circle. If it were me, I would take the side of caution… but of course, it is not me.
And.
The inevitable will be happening very soon. Something I’ve dreaded for years and years… been afraid of, been always wondering when that ominous telephone call will be. At least I am expecting it, now. And I’ve accepted it. Everybody has to die.
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Emotions are meant to be felt
If emotions are meant to be felt, why do we create such effective ways of suppressing them? Well, I don’t exactly know if “suppress” is the correct word. Perhaps, “control” is better. Sometimes, emotions are manageable. Others, not so easily. I’m still doing my best to distinguish between rational and irrational thoughts. In my adult life, they have taken on several, ever-changing forms. One thing most irrational thoughts have in common is the trauma-based “obsessive” factor. My trauma-based obsession has also taken on several facades in the past 6 years. The severity levels are in constant fluctuation, given the combination of medication and general life experience.
When difficulties arise, emotions may become understandably uncomfortable and uncontrollable. But sometimes the emotions are still clipping, the adrenaline is still flowing, and the imagery does not subside — even though the trauma has been long since gone. In this type of situation, certain modern-day measures must be taken.
I’ve heard this sort of obsession called “post-traumatic stress disorder”. I’ve also heard it referred to as “depression” and “panic disorder”. I make no secret of it — you can hear it in most of my songs. I don’t know the technicalities. I have never personally experienced any sort of physical or emotional trauma for my own self — and for that, I will always be eternally grateful. It is actually my overflowing feelings of empathy that seem to overcome my grip of rationality. I am a hyper-sensitive, empathic person. It makes for some very incredible life experiences — the happiness of life, for me, is very fulfilling. But the pain of others, for me, is very obsessively disturbing.
Anyway. Emotions are meant to be felt. But when those emotions become uncontrollably irrational, I am very grateful that we live in the age of modern medicine.
Planning
Planning a roadtrip. A fairly significant roadtrip. In late July through early August, I will finally visit areas further West of Texas. We are heading to Las Vegas to play CGE 2K10. To ensure that we do everything in our power for our trip to go as smoothly as it can, we must do lots of planning. NOTE: everything in OUR POWER! That’s not to say that some strange Act of God could screw us over… and even so, we will be totally prepped for it.
